Finding Sanctuary

I’ve been seeking sanctuary a lot recently.  It’s been a crazy year and I’m starting to feel that I’m done with the current situation.  I mean safety, away from 2020 and COVID-19 – I’m completely ready to move on from that and get back to seeing my friends and family – but also a much more spiritual interpretation, more like the original meaning of the word.  I’ve been seeking my own sacred place.

I’ve learned a lot about myself this year and I’ve been questioning many things that I thought to be true.  I’m not doing what I want with my life and that’s taken a long time to realise.  I’ve spent years working in jobs that I’ve been good at and done countless hours of training and studying to earn associated qualifications that I now begin to think might have just been to validate my choices to myself.

Coming to terms with it hasn’t been easy, admitting that I’ve spent much of my adult life doing the wrong thing. I think it comes from many years of programming myself that in order to be successful, I must have a fancy job title, or I must manage a team, or I must earn a certain salary.  In 2020, I do all those things, yet I still feel there is more.  I’m not sure that I want ‘more’ as much as ‘different.’ Professionally, I am where I wanted to be.  And that I think is the key; now that I’m here, it’s not what I thought.  I’m not who I thought.  I don’t feel fulfilled.

I find myself faced with what to do about it now I have that information.  I know what I want to do, I just haven’t quite worked out how yet.  But that is coming.  I’ve spoken for years about my brain fog that I’ve described as having too many tabs open in my head.  This year, through various means, I’ve been able to shut down many of those tabs and a lot of the fog has lifted.

I’ve also been working on being more mindful, which has certainly made a difference to my clarity of thought, too.  One of the biggest things I’ve learned is that I used to take on so much, juggle so many plates, just to prove to the world that I could.  That I could be a working mother, home-maker, wife, successful professional and still find time to run a side hustle and be on the PTA.  I was wearing my multi-tasking and constant busyness like some sort of badge of honour.  

I never stopped just to be, to appreciate the moment for what it was, and to listen to the birds or feel the warmth of the water in the shower on my skin.  I practiced a language on my commute, I’d exercise and listen to an audiobook, plan my shopping list while eating a meal.  I was missing so much.  And for what? For people to admire how wonderful I am for continuing to juggle so many balls at once?  Auto-pilot, I tell you! I’ve been so focused on not dropping one of these inconsequential balls that I now dread to think how much I’ve missed.

My promise to myself is that things will change.  I owe it to myself now that I’ve worked it out not to brush it under the carpet and pretend I never saw it, but to grab it with both hands and do something about it.  I’m scared, I won’t lie.  Acknowledging this means that I’ve spent the last 15 years on the wrong path.  I now need to trust that my path now goes in a different direction. I don’t know how far away my destination is because I can’t see it yet, but that mustn’t stop me from taking the first step. I will let my soul lead the way.